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 [1]
by Donald Pelles
Nearly everyone has the ability to view a relationship or situation from the perspective of another person, to imagine what that other is seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking. In fact, we do this all the time – we are continually assessing others’ states of mind, their intentions, what they might say or do next. It’s a mostly unconscious process, a faculty we are born with and continue to develop as we grow.
…we attune to the internal shifts in another person, as they attune to us, and our two worlds become linked as one. Through facial expressions and tones of voice, gestures and postures – some so fleeting they can be captured only on a slowed-down recording – we come to “resonate” with one another.
We come into the world wired to make connections with one another, and the subsequent neural shaping of our brain, the very foundation of our sense of self, is built upon these intimate exchanges …
– Dan Siegel, Mindsight. (Dan Siegel is a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, researcher, and author.)
Even other animals are able to do this; a dog, for instance, shows by its behavior that it is sizing up the mental states and intentions of the people it is around.
Of course we may do this well or sometimes not so well – we can easily be wrong. But this ability that we all have is a key component of our being to relate to one another, to our social interactions.
We can also, most of us, imagine being a neutral third party observer, watching and listening to an interaction between ourself and another person. Doing this, when we do it well, helps temper our personal emotions, assumptions, and beliefs with a more objective perspective.
Each position has its strengths and weaknesses:
If I tend to be in Self position exclusively, I will feel things more intensely, appreciating the good times and detesting the bad; I will tend to be a person who enjoys my own life (or not, if it’s difficult), and I will know clearly what I want and let others know too. On the other hand, I might be perceived as arrogant, self-centered, or selfish (these positions are embedded in our language!).
Someone who prefers Observer position will tend to be less emotional and more objective, but others may seem him or her as cold and unfeeling, unexpressive, and distant.
Being strongly associated into Other position will make you empathetic, sensitive to the feelings and needs of others, but if you’re not careful you may neglect your own wants and needs or even forget what they are – you may allow other people to “walk all over you.”
– Connirae Andreas, teaching materials
The notion of the three “perceptual positions,” Self, Other, and Observer, has been a basic part of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) since it’s beginnings in the early 70s (and undoubtedly goes back to our beginnings as human beings). Early on in NLP it was assumed that some people’s limitations came from being “stuck” in one position: if I’m stuck in Other, for instance, I would be overwhelmed by other people’s feelings; if I’m stuck in Observer position, I might come off as cold and unfeeling and have a hard time connecting with others. Individuals who are resourceful and flexible, on the other hand, are able to move easily from one position to another, perceiving an interaction from all three perspectives.
Mahatma Gandhi did this purposefully and systematically. Before he negotiated with the British Viceroy, Gandhi would go through various different perspectives: as himself, of course, and as the Indian people. Then he would put himself into the persona of the Viceroy – people who knew Gandhi talked about how he would take the Viceroy’s posture, walking around for hours that way, to really, really get the experience of being the Viceroy and know it. (When you do that you don’t always know, consciously, just what you’re learning or later, exactly how you’re using it.) Then he would take the perspective of the world looking on. Then, after doing all that, he would go into the negotiation.
and
Studies of managers have described how upper level managers who are effective always demonstrate a fluid ability to assume all three positions, while lower managers or ineffective upper managers do not consistently show that skill. People in all roles, if they have that ability, are more flexible and effective, whatever they do.
– Connirae Andreas, teaching materials
Aligning Perceptual Positions
Connirae Andreas is one of the most admired and respected teachers and developers of NLP. In the late 80s she realized that the Perceptual Positions model didn’t seem to quite explain what was happening with herself and others. She began playing around with the idea that it wasn’t so much a question of which position you were in, but of sometimes being split between more than one position at the same time. For instance, she would be herself, seeing out of her own eyes, but there would be this voice outside of her, talking to her from Observer position. Or, trying to be the Observer, she would nevertheless be feeling some of her own – Self – emotions. Or she would have the feelings of the other person in her body.
Checking this out with many individuals, she found that these mixed up positions were quite common, creating difficulties in perspectives and relationships. She came to believe that we would all be much more flexible and resourceful if we could be aligned – fully and completely in one position at a time. Dr. Andreas began experimenting with this with a great many people, over several years, and found it vastly useful. Aligning ourselves in relationships – in interactions with others, can greatly enhance our resourcefulness, flexibility, our respect for ourselves and for others – becoming even more our true selves than we already are.
I use this process with my clients and with myself. One client was having arguments with his wife around at what point they should pick up their baby when she cried. Often he would lose his temper and curse – “Fuck you!” – at her. I helped him make some shifts as both Observer and Self and to step into his wife’s position as Other. At our next session he reported that he was able to discuss with her what to do, remaining calm and respectful while still engaged – even though they didn’t always agree – and in particular, not curse.
How to Do it
You can do this process with a guide or by yourself. Your guide should have some training or at least have experienced doing the process her- or himself (training in Aligning Perceptual Positions is typically during 3-day workshops in Core Transformation – see http://www.coretransformation.org). If you are doing it by yourself, you should have at least gone through the process with a guide once or twice.
You start by gathering information, usually in Observer position. Perceptions are visual, kinesthetic (feelings, physical and emotional), and auditory, with auditory divided into what you hear from Self and Other, and your inner voices commenting on what is happening. You are looking to determine exactly how you are perceiving in each of the modalities:
Where are Self and Other located, relative to you as Observer? Is one closer? Are they balanced left and right?
Do you perceive them at eye-level to each other, and to you?
Are you seeing clearly, or not so clearly?
Are you seeing directly out of your eyes, or is your perspective even slightly off to the left or right, above or below, or behind or in front? (This may seem like a strange question, but significant changes can come from shifting this perspective. Many people have learned, in the course of growing up, to move their viewpoint away from their own physical eyes, perhaps in order to detach themselves in some way from the distressing realities they encounter.)
Are you hearing both Self and Other? Where are their voices coming from? Out of their mouths and throats, or elsewhere? (another question that may seem strange!)
Are you hearing from exactly in your ears, as Observer? Or is your listening point displaced?
Do you have an inner commentary voice or voices? What is it saying? Whose voice is it – yours or someone else’s?
What are your feelings? Are these feelings all yours, as Observer? Or do some of them belong to someone else? Where in your body are these feelings centered?
Where in your body is your center of gravity located?
After gathering information, you align your Observer position, moving Self and Other to be at equal distances, balanced left and right, and at eye level to each other and to you. You move your viewing point to be exactly in your own eyes, your listening point to be exactly from your physical ears, and the voices of Self and Other into their vocal areas. You adjust the language of your internal commentary voices to use “he” and “she” pronouns, and you send back any voices or feelings that don’t belong to you to whomever they belong to. Then you center your feelings and allow yourself to fill up with resourceful Observer feelings. You allow your center of gravity to be in the physical center of your body.
Gathering information about Self perceptions and then aligning Self is similar. There are only two parties here – Observer does not enter in.
For Other, you do not actually align; you step into being her or him only to gather data, to get a sense of what it’s like in their world, as a whole being, conscious and unconscious – in particular, how your Self looks and sounds to this other person, experiencing that “resonance” from the other side.
Then you go back to Observer, back to Self, to Other, and practice going from one to another, easily, fluidly, both with the original person and situation in which you did the alignment and in other interactions, so that these aligned positions and flowing among them becomes automatic, a powerful resource both for reevaluating the past and living resourcefully in the future.
*****
Aligning Perceptual Positions Resources
- Aligning Perceptual Positions: A New Distinction in NLP by Connirae Andreas, Ph.D. and Tamara Andreas, MM
- Core Transformation – The Full 3-Day Workshop on DVD: A 3-Day live workshop with Tamara Andreas including Aligning Perceptual Positions, Core Transformation, and Parental Timeline Reimprinting. This includes a complete teaching on Aligning Perceptual Positions, and a demonstration with learning disabilities. Available from Real People Press
- 3. Aligning Perceptual Positions: DVD, demonstration by Connirae Andreas. Available from NLP Comprehensive.
- The Aligned Self: CD audio workshop. Four days advanced training with Connirae Andreas including Aligning Perceptual Positions, Core Transformation, Parental Timeline Reimprinting, Eye Movement Integrator. Available from NLP Comprehensive.
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[1] Informed by and partially based on teaching materials by Connirae Andreas and Tamara Andreas. See also Heart of the Mind by Connirae and Steve Andreas, pp. 87-88.
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Full-Filled[1], by Renée Stephens[2] and Samantha Rose
 review by Donald Pelles[3]
If you are someone who struggles to control your weight; if you see the numbers on your bathroom scale going down and then back up every couple of months; if you feel that you have been beating yourself up long enough and want to feel good about yourself for a change, then this is the – not just a – book for you.
The subtitle is The 6-Week Weight-Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food – and Your Life – from the Inside Out. “Changing your relationship with food” is appropriate and it’s the only way to become a “naturally slim” person for good. Yes, there are a few of us out there who are able gut it out with rigorous and rigid self-discipline and self-denial, for years or perhaps even a lifetime. But is that really how you would want to live your life, even if you could?
How much better it is to be kind to and love yourself, clarify your motivations, resolve the conflicts and change the beliefs that have been limiting your life – all the while enjoying eating, more than you ever have, while you reach and maintain the size and weight, the you, that you want to be? This is what Full-Filled offers.
Renée begins with motivation. We have two kinds of motivations. Away-from motivations are the things you want to leave behind: poor health, unattractive appearance, extra effort moving and exercising. Toward motivations are what pull us forward: vibrant heath, looking good, being in control, and light on the feet. We need both. If you rely too much on away-froms though, once you have lost 20 pounds or so and are feeling somewhat better, there may be a tendency to revert to old habits and reverse your direction – the old yo-yo cycle. So you need those toward motivations in order to keep going as the away-froms weaken (because you’re feeling improvement).
Right from the start, Renée has you set up a good infrastructure: your support system of friends and allies and your Weight Release Journal, in which you record everything in this journey from Too Full to Full-Filled: your intentions, the progress you are making, your inner conflicts, your insights, and the exercises she has you do along the way. As you look back it can be easy to forget where you started and the progress you’ve made – now you will have it all right there, in your Journal.
Full-Filled barely mentions NLP – Neuro-Linguistic Programming – the philosophical and psychological principles behind much of what Renée is doing here (she is an NLP Master Practitioner), and that is as it should be: the point is not to teach you NLP but to utilize its wisdom for your benefit. One of these principles is that behind any behavior (no matter how much you may dislike it) is a positive intent: a part of you is trying to accomplish something good for you, though in an ineffective or a misguided way. For instance, the positive intent of overeating may be to comfort you, to make you feel better when you are upset. At best, this works only in the short run; beyond that it actually makes you feel worse by upsetting your stomach, adding to your weight, and leading you beat yourself up. But the intent itself is a gift, to be acknowledged and treasured. Renée leads you to recognize these conflicts and resolve them, replacing the old, undesirable habits with behaviors that fulfill the positive intents even better and without the negative consequences.
A caveat here: I wonder how many readers will be able by themselves to carry out the procedure described in the book, where the opposing parts (aspects of yourself) are imagined in each of your two hands, which are then gradually brought together to resolve the conflict (visual squash, in NLP terminology). You just may need a practitioner trained in NLP to help you with this.
One important innovation in Full-Filled is the emphasis on being kind to yourself – self-forgiveness. “In order to achieve long-lasting weight release, you must occasionally overeat,” and “. . . your belief that you must always be good and never overeat has prevented you from becoming slim and healthy for a lifetime.” Wow! Have you ever seen anything like this before in a weight-loss book? When you berate yourself for “being bad,” you make yourself feel terrible. And what happens when you feel terrible? – you eat so you can feel better! This is one of those counter-productive behaviors. The positive intent is to do better. And this is what Renée emphasizes, even to the point of saying that “slip-ups” are an integral part of her program.
There is no failure, only feedback (another NLP principle). The book lays out three important feedback mechanisms: self-correcting, the DIF concept, and Re-Do/Pre-Do. Self-correcting is what you do after you’ve been thrown off course, to get back to a feel-good balanced state. There are three levels: Level One are things you can do every day to balance yourself and get back on track, like working out, meditating, getting enough sleep, and eating a protein-rich breakfast. Level Two corrections are things you can do by reaching out beyond yourself, to people in your support network, say. Level Three means seeking help from a hypnotherapist, a life coach, a spiritual advisor.
DIF means Duration, Intensity, and Frequency – one more of the brilliant innovations here. The idea is, that rather than insisting on never slipping up, you instead record (in your Journal) and assess these measures (D-I-F) each time, and work systematically to reduce all three over time. This is a strategy of steady, incremental improvement as opposed to expecting yourself to maintain a direct course to your target without deviation – which is unrealistic and again, counterproductive.
The “Re-Do” is going over a past slip-up in your mind and imagining a different (and better) outcome, focusing on feeling good as you see yourself behaving in a positive way. (Notice how much of this program is about feeling good.) “Pre-Do” is the same thing but in advance – “future-pacing” as they say in NLP. Practicing both of these regularly helps you re-program yourself, replacing your previous behavior patterns with new and better ones.
Week 4 is all about limiting beliefs and triggers. Believe it! – you can change those beliefs that limit you into new, empowering beliefs, and Full-Filled shows you how. You start by introducing doubt into your thinking, then strengthen that by finding and writing down counterexamples – concrete instances when the belief is not true (“There was at least one time when I did resist a scrumptious-looking brownie!”). To cement the change Renée teaches you EFT – the Emotional Freedom Technique — sometimes described as “self-hypnosis meets acupuncture.” There are no needles involved; after a positive affirmation you tap on the ends of the meridians (as in Chinese medicine) while focusing on your issue. Incredible as it may seem, this procedure actually works, and very quickly at that (I use it for pain, fears, and with smokers to eliminate cravings).
At this point you are ready to explicitly take on changing your food choices and eating habits. Note that this part has been deliberately put off while the groundwork – motivations, positive intents, self-correcting, and changing limiting beliefs – was being laid. As a first step, you must re-acquaint yourself with your body’s signals, your built-in system for telling when to eat and when to stop (this is common advice from weight-loss books and coaches – but they don’t tell you how). Chances are you have ignored these signals so long that the system has been disabled.
And here is another innovation unique to (as far as I know) this book: the Hunger Scale. 0 is drop-dead-starving-must-have-food-will-eat-anything and 10 is stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, groaning with discomfort, barely able to move. You practice becoming aware, at any point in time, of where you are on Hunger Scale (keeping a diary in your Journal), and then use that awareness to decide whether or not and how much you are going to eat. As you develop that awareness, you will probably want to eat when you are below 4 on the scale and stop at 6 or 7. You even learn to enjoy a feeling of moderate hunger before a meal, knowing that it’s going to enhance your enjoyment when you do eat something.
There is a good discussion of how to move, step-by-step, from a diet of transfats, sweeteners, and processed foods to healthy eating replete with fresh produce, complex carbs, lean protein, probiotics, and natural fats. Learn to appreciate, also, the role of ritual in your life: Full-Filled suggests imbuing your meals with significance, eating mindfully and responsibly, making them a time for relaxation, renewal, and pleasure.
Finally, a celebration of how far you have come (another reason the Journal is so important), a look back, and ahead. The emphasis is on feeling good about yourself and maintaining a positive, relaxed intention around your weight release, inviting rather than demanding what you want. Now you have the tools and techniques to continue this new relationship with food – and with yourself. Renée suggests continuing to cycle through the program as-needed or repeating the parts you need until the concepts and practices are part of your psyche and your daily routine.
This is a significant book and the best self-help program I know of (and my weight loss clients are saying the same thing!). The writing is cozy, comfortable, jargon-free, and accessible – Renée is your Best Female Friend (I think the reader is definitely pictured as female, though it’s easy to translate), someone who has been there before and marvelously recovered, giving you the multiple benefits of what she has learned in the process. Moreover, there are lots (see below) of mini case histories, drawn from her extensive experience as a hypnotherapist and weight reduction coach.
If I have one criticism it is that Full-Filled is wordy – the multiple “Food for Thought,” “Dig-In,” “Someone Who Tried This Before You” sections are simply, in my opinion, more than enough. The reader may get lost in the length of it all, taking away from the focus and clarity of the otherwise wonderful content. (But it is well-worth persisting!)
Read this book if you are weary of struggling with your weight and want to feel good while you are doing good for yourself. You will be giving yourself a great present and most likely change your life.
[1] Full-Filled: The 60Week Weight Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food—And Your Life—from the Inside Out”, Simon and Schuster, January 2012
[2] Renee Stephens hosts iTunes’ top motivational weight loss podcast show, Inside Out Weight Loss, with over 3,000,000 downloads to date. She is a featured expert in the new film “The Inner Weigh” and has consulted with Weight Watchers International as a behavioral weight loss expert.
[3] Donald Pelles, Ph.D. is a Certified Hypnotherapist with office in Kensington, MD. Contact him 301 618-9801 or don@hypnosissilverspring.com. His website is http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com. See also http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/hypnosisnlpservices/weightcontrol.html.
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Paul Cameron, [fictitious] son of Kirk Cameron and Chelsea Noble, called me to make an appointment. When I asked him what issue he wanted help with, he said he wanted to work through intense feelings of shame, after his father’s public comments in a March 6 interview by CNN’s Pierce Morgan.
Since sessions with fictitious people are not confidential, I feel it is ok to share some of his session with the caring public.
Me: So Paul, you told me over the phone some of what you’re going through.
Paul: Yeah, when he said that that publicly – I mean, in private is bad enough, but in a national interview, which of course he knows I’m going to see. It was, like, a public shaming. Like I’m “unnatural.” Like I’m destroying civilization or something. That’s how it feels.
Me. Shame.
Paul: Yes, that’s it.
Me: And what would you like to happen?
Paul: I just want to feel ok, you know? I want to be able to be me, the way I am, and feel good about it.
Me: And for your dad?
Paul: We’ve always been close; I’ve always looked up to him. But now – that’s difficult. I want to be able to be with him, and have that be ok.
Me: You can’t change him, of course.
Paul: Yes, I know that. But at the same time, I’m me, just the way God made me. He doesn’t get that. .
I nod. Shame is a response to feeling that we have violated someone else’s standards. When that someone else is your parent, it’s all the harder. In their book, Heart of the Mind, Connirae and Steve Andreas discuss a way to resolve shame (Chapter 14, “Recovering from Shame and Guilt”, pp 140-154). This is the basis of how I will work with Paul.
Me: So Paul, tell me how you get that feeling. What do you need to think, or imagine, in order to feel that shame?
Paul shrugs. He looks down and to his left, at a spot a little in front of him, his expression gloomy and sad.
Me: What are you seeing? What are you thinking?
Paul: It’s like I’m sitting in this chair, a straight-back wooden chair, and all these people are standing there, looking down at me, disapproving, ashamed of me – my dad, my mom, my whole family, all the people in the church, and behind them the whole country.
Me: What’s their size, compared to you?
Paul: They’re way bigger than me. I’m small, tiny, all hunched over.
Me: Is that picture in color? Or black and white?
Paul: In color, but it’s real dim. Almost black and white.
Me: Is it still? Or moving?
Paul: Very still – nobody moving.
Me: Ok. Now, Paul, I’d like you to form another picture. Do you remember a time when you violated someone else’s standards, but instead of feeling shame, you felt ok about it.
Paul thought a moment, then smiled.
Paul: Yeah, there was a time like that. I said something to one of my teachers, and she hit the ceiling. Sent me to the principal’s office. I got in big trouble. But I don’t know to this day what I did that was so wrong.
Me: So when you think about that, what’s it like.
Paul was looking now more up and to his right.
Paul: I’m seeing myself, surrounded by other people. Some of them look angry, but they’re the same size as me and it’s like a movie. And in color.
The weight seems to have lifted from Paul – he looked brighter, even upbeat.
Here is a better way, for Paul, of experiencing other people’s disapproval. I want to help him recode the shaming into this more resourceful kind of experience.
Me: Paul, go back to the experience of your father shaming you. You can see all those people staring down at you.
I gestured down and to his left, and his gaze followed.
Paul: Yes.
Me: What happens if you make all those others so that they’re the same size as you? And have you and them at eye level.
Paul looked less glum; he half-smiled.
Paul: I feel better when we’re all the same size. Like I’m holding my own more, I’m stronger.
Me: Good. Now move that picture over there to where that other experience was, and tell me what happens.
Paul looks over where the other picture had been. He smiles more.
Paul: That feels a lot better. It changed to being in color, when I moved it, and it’s not frozen anymore. And those people, they’re not staring at me so much; they’re looking around, sometimes at each other. We’re all the same size and I’m not hunched over.
Paul appears much more comfortable now, but we have more work to do. It won’t be so good if making this change leads him to violating other peoples standards willy-nilly – he needs to be somewhat judicious or he could get himself in trouble. I want to help Paul to be able to decide what standards he wants to live up to and which no longer work for him or belong to other people, not him at all.
Me: Paul, as you look at this experience in this new way, become aware of just what standard you violated and who thinks it is important. Is this going to be your standard too? Or not.
Paul. No, obviously not [smiling].
Me: Think about – you don’t need to tell me – what standard, or standards, you do want for yourself in this area.
Paul: ok.
Paul has recoded his own experience from feeling shamed and is aware now that he can have his own standards, even if Kirk, or anyone, does not agree. But there is still the matter of how he is going to relate to his father.
Me: Think now about what you want to do in this situation. You have your own standards that you live by and you know that some of your father’s standards are different from yours. You said before that you’ve always been close. How do you want to relate to him now?
Paul: Well, to tell the truth, I’m pretty mad at him right now. How can a father, a Christian, do something like that to his son, whom he says he loves?
Me: Paul, do you think your father loves you?
Paul: [after a long pause] Yes, I guess he does. I know he does. But I still think it’s wrong, what he did.
Me: I’m wondering how what happens when you think of him with a sense of compassion, and love. You have to let him have his own standards, just as you have yours. You can’t compel him to change. When you think of him with compassion, with love, and with respect, what is that like?
Paul: [after a pause] Well, it’s different. I’m not so angry. He’s going to be who he is, I guess, just like I’m going to be who I am. I know deep down he loves me. I’ll pray for him – that’s all I can do.
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[1]
Don’t worry, be happy. – Meher Baba
 What, me worry? – Alfred E. Neuman
If you’re someone who worries, well – don’t worry about it: all of us do, at one time or another. Sometimes we worry about something particular: money, the economy, our children, our parents, our health, whether we locked the door – you know. And then some of us get caught up in the sum total of our worries without any particular one being identifiable; we generalize our worry, and that’s what is known as anxiety.
“How much have cost us the evils that never happened!” – Thomas Jefferson
It’s true – think about it: most of the things we worry about never happen. So why do we worry?
Programmed to worry
One reason is, we are programmed to worry; we learn it from our parents. They are not really trying to make us into worriers; their real intent is to teach us to think ahead and plan, to consider the future consequences of our actions or inactions, rather than just our momentary desires and pleasure. Remember “The Grasshopper and the Ant”? The short-sighted grasshopper wants to just have fun and play all the time, whereas the ant plans ahead and works to secure his future. And when the winter comes, the grasshopper starves to death while the ant is snug in his storehouse (great story to tell a little kid, right? Talk about anxiety!).
Unfortunately, most of our parents and grandparents are not always so great as instructors. They teach by exaggerating the consequences. Our peers exaggerate even more, themselves conditioned to worry just like we are, reinforcing and adding to the whole mess:
- “Picking at moles can give you cancer.”
- “Don’t stick your hand out the car window – you might lose it.”
- “If you don’t do your homework you’re going to flunk second grade.”
- “Wear your sweater, or you might get pneumonia and die.”
- “Talking to strangers will get you kidnapped and killed.”
- “Germs are everywhere and germs make you sick.”
- “Masturbation can make you blind.”
- “Stand up straight – you want to be a hunchback?”
Each comment suggests something terrible is going to happen, a disaster. Then there’s the message that we have to control what happens to us.
By the time we reach puberty, many of us have been conditioned to worry as a part of life. We also learn that we do not have control over many things in life. Those of us who have not yet become worriers are subjected to redoubled efforts by our parents, who are concerned because we do not sufficiently share their own conditioned sense of impending disaster. We even learn to worry about not worrying enough. [You think not? Imagine, for a moment, not worrying about anything, ever. How does that make you feel? Kind of uncomfortable? Dangerous? Like something really bad will happen? Do you feel obliged to worry?]
The intent is not really to make us worriers, only planners. But most people – most parents – are simply not very skillful at this and often don’t distinguish between worrying and planning. So we wind up prone to worrying. When we cannot identify that worried feeling with any one event, we are suffering from anxiety.
Control
A lot of our worrying is a futile attempt at control. There are lots of potential disasters out there: financial collapse, nuclear war, natural disasters, terrorists, dirty hands. Somehow it seems better to worry about what might happen, playing out different scenarios in our minds, than not thinking about it at all. You start worrying about bills, then about running out of money, and pretty soon you’re thinking about how you’re going to cope with being in a homeless shelter.
The Positive Intent
If we could plan for everything that could possibly happen, we would have nothing to worry about. But we know that is impossible: there are way too many eventualities to plan for all of them, more than we can possibly anticipate or even imagine. In many cases we simply do not know what’s going to happen, or even what might happen. We may even begin to worry about what we might have missed, which, once again, is anxiety.
“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear. It is the storm within that endangers him, not the storm without.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Trust!
How can we get around anxiety, this generalized, nondescript fear? Learn to trust
- Most of the things you have worried about in your life never happened.
- Most of the things you might want to worry about happening in the future will not actually happen.
Learning to trust that most of your fears will not be realized frees you from the obligation of worrying about them.
When you find yourself starting to worry about something, ask,
Are there aspects of this that I can plan for?
If there are, then plan – take the necessary steps.
Let’s say you worry about running out of money. Is this a long-term problem or short-term. If short-term, how can you get a loan to tide you over? If it is a long-term problem, you think of ways to reduce your spending or increase your income (or both). You get a second job; you change jobs; you get some training; you find ways to bring in more customers.
Say you worry about a meltdown at a nuclear power plant. You join an organization that is working to improve safety regulations, or perhaps one that’s trying to abolish nuclear power plants altogether. And knowing you are doing all you can, trust that if something does happen, you will know what to do.
For the rest, for all the eventualities that you cannot anticipate or plan for, learn to trust. Trust in your and others’ intelligence and ability to cope, on the spot. A beautiful definition of human intelligence is
[to] continuously create and use new precise responses that exactly match and successfully handle [each] new situation which we confront.
– Harvey Jackins, The Human Side of Human Beings
Lean to trust that, confronted with an actual situation, you and others will be able to figure out what to do, to deal with it effectively.
The word learn is important here: understanding is a start, but is in no way enough. We have been conditioned to worry from an early age; we must unlearn these responses and learn new ones.
Quantum Focusing
As you practice Quantum Focusing, you will probably find that you automatically worry less. If you have suffered from general states of anxiety in the past, they have most likely become less severe already. As you continue to practice, you will find that you have power over more aspects of your life than you ever realized. You are developing a greater sense of control over your life. You find you feel less need to worry. You are becoming confident that things are going to go your way. (See also http://www.quantumfocusing.com).
Core Transformation
Core Transformation is a gentle yet powerful process for bringing about profound and lasting changes in habits, behaviors, limiting beliefs, and even physical ailments. You start with a feeling, a thought, or a behavior that you want to change or explore, and through a series of stages, you reach a core state – a high-level existential state or spiritual (for example, oneness, beingness, peace, being one with God). Now you assume this core state as your way of being, your mode of existence, and your whole perspective changes. In reverse order, each of the stages going up is now changed, illuminated, or enhanced, and the original feeling, thought, or behavior has been replaced or radically transformed. Running the process on each worrisome thought can be transformative. (See also http://www.coretransformation.org.)
Anti-Anxiety Toolkit
This new book by Melissa Tiers will teach you powerful and rapid ways to reduce excessive fear, worry, and anxiety. Utilizing the latest research in neuroscience and mind-body medicine, you’ll learn how to rewire your brain and change habituated patterns as you empower yourself with the most cutting-edge and easy-to-apply processes available.
[1] Based on “Conquering Anxiety”, Chapter 12 in How to Get Unstuck – A Light-Hearted, Self-Hypnosis Workbook, by Michael Ellner, D.D., MSH, CHt and Alan Barsky, CHt, MH
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Question posted on my website:
 I’m in the “Friendzone” with a girl… if she gets hypnotized, is it possible for her to like me more?
– BD
My answer:
BD –
Thanks for contacting me.
So you and she are friends, and you are hoping for something more. Friendship is the best basis for a love relationship – I can tell you that from personal experience.
What does she want? Hypnotic suggestions will only be effective if they are consistent with what the person wants. If I suggest to someone that he does not want to smoke anymore, that can work if he knows cigarettes are bad for his health and he wants to be healthy. But if he has come to me just because his girlfriend wants him to stop, he’s not likely to quit.
So if your friend would like to be closer to you but is fearful or perhaps remembering bad experiences in the past, then yes, I can help her get past that. She would need to contact me and tell me what she wants.
On the other hand, if it is you who wants a change in the relationship, the best approach would be for you to boost your self-esteem, your confidence, your feelings of being worthy, your sense of ease and comfort with her, your relationship, and with life in general. I can help you with that, if you like.
*****
In the 50s there were ads in comic books like:
TAKE YOUR PICK. GET THE WOMEN YOU DESIRE! AMAZING SECRETS!
DISCOVER HOW TO SEDUCE WOMEN USING HYPNOSIS
There was a form, to send away for a book. I never ordered the book, though it did look intriguing. Every boy’s dream, right?
I am told, many many (close to 60) years later, that there really was such a book, and that it was written anonymously by Ormand McGill, the “Dean of American Hypnotists,” known especially as a great stage hypnotist, who died in 2005 at the age of 92.
I have an on-line copy of the book, How to Get Girls With Hypnosis. The contents are very interesting. I can imagine a 12-year-old boy receiving it in the mail somewhere around 1955 (in a plain brown wrapper, I hope!), imagining hypnotized females helplessly complying with his every wish.
But the joke was on the reader, the would-be seducer. The entire book is about “S/A Hypnotism” – “Self-Administered hypnotism” – what we usually call self-hypnosis. The book teaches the reader take himself into a trance and use self-hypnosis to gain better self-esteem, more confidence, and to get over his shyness and discomfort in talking to women. In other words, by doing some work on yourself, you will be able to have normal, relaxed conversations and relationships with women.
*****
Hypnosis is not truth serum, and it won’t work as a way to control other people (unless they want you to control them). It is in fact a consensual process. As I tell my clients, you are always aware, on some level, that you are in a hypnotic state, and if ever anything doesn’t suit you, you will either just ignore it or you’ll come out of hypnosis altogether. The language we use, “I hypnotize you” – an active verb – is inaccurate. In reality, I don’t do anything to you – you do it: all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. The hypnotist is the guide; to be hypnotized you must let yourself be guided.
Good luck, guys!
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 I was a track star in high school. Ok, a very minor track star, but I was one. I remember one day this freshman coming up to me in the hall, a little awestruck:
“Can you beat Ernest McCraney?”
Ernest ran for Central. He combed his hair into little wavelets and usually carried a mean look on his face. Most of the time he beat me, but my Junior year, in the 100 at the City Meet, I came fast out of the blocks and edged him at the tape. Ernest was mad about it. “Tell them (the judges) I was ahead of you,” he said to me, but I told them no such thing – it was their call, not mine.
“I’m gonna do my best to beat him,” I told the student.
When I first started running track, I would tense all up, trying to squeeze out every possible ounce of speed. Teeth clenched, lips pulled back in a grimace, neck tight, shoulders pulled up, and fists balled up, doing my utmost (I thought) to go faster. You can see this in a lot of sprinters, though not the best. I remember one boy who used to run with his hands and fingers stiff, slicing the air like blades.
I don’t remember if someone told me this or if I figured it out by myself: tensing up like that only slows you down; the way to go faster is to relax. It seems paradoxical: you are running near top speed, so shouldn’t you “squeeze” extra hard in an effort to go even faster?
The answer is, that’s not the way to do it. In fact, tensing up, “squeezing”, is counter-productive; it slows you down.
Think about it: when you run, you contract your quadriceps (in the front of the thigh) to lift your leg, then kick the lower part forward. At the same time, your hamstrings (in the back of the thigh) are pushing back, propelling you forward. When the extended foot strikes the ground you do the same thing again – the other leg’s quadriceps muscle contracts to pull it forward, lifts, and kicks, while the first leg’s hamstrings are thrusting back, pushing you forward.
Your arms swing backward and forward to balance the opposite legs, using opposing pairs of arm and shoulder muscles.
When the quadriceps is contracting, the hamstrings should relax, and the other way around. Otherwise the one muscle set will resist the other, wasting energy and slowing you down, and the same thing with the shoulder and arm muscle sets. The principle is, any muscle that is not working (contracting) should relax. The best way to accomplish this is for the whole body to be relaxed, with the exception of the muscles that are actually working at any particular moment. Any unnecessary tension – in the face, the hands, the neck – reduces the overall relaxed state (in addition to using energy that is needed somewhere else and reducing overall endurance).
I came to understand this my sophomore year, when I was 15. I don’t remember if someone clued me in or if I figured it out on my own. I would practice by consciously relaxing myself as much as I could, then trying to maintain that relaxation, starting to run at a slow trot and gradually increasing my speed. As soon as I felt myself tensing up, I would stop, consciously relax myself, and start again. Little by little I taught myself to run at full speed while remaining fully relaxed (except for the muscles that were needed for running, in their turn). And in fact, this allowed me improve my speed considerably and become, yes – the track star.
If you watch sprint events, you will see the best runners’ hands loose, the fingers slightly curved, and their lips and cheeks flopping as they run.
The start follows the same principle, but here mental relaxation is especially important. You are waiting for the starting gun to sound, and when it does, you must react by springing forward and accelerating as quickly as you can. If your body and mind are tense you will inhibit your reaction. Some runners tense up and try to anticipate the gun, but this unless you are very lucky, that will lead to a false start – jumping the gun, as they say – and disqualification. (Back in the day they gave us two false starts with warnings, before we were thrown out of the race. That was changed to one in 2003 and zero – immediate disqualification – in 2009.)
You can practice this with the child’s game where person A holds out his or her hands palms up; person B places hands palm down just above A’s, and A tries to slap the back of B’s hand before B can pull away. The best way to play, as B, is form the intention to pull away, then relax your mind, looking at your hands through half-closed eyes and trusting that your unconscious will react as needed. Otherwise you will try to anticipate A’s slap and that will slow down your reaction time.
Now reader: go forth and generalize.
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Bedside Manners: The Pain Clinician’s Guide to Effective Medical Communication, by Michael Ellner, MSH, CHT
review by Donald Pelles, Ph.D., CHt.
This short book can change your medical (dental, social work, therapy, etc.) practice – even your life.
Michael begins with two self-hypnosis/meditation exercises that help you access a mental state of ease and attentiveness (“relaxed and focused”). The premise is, your state of being matters, not only in how you work with your patients but in how you approach your work and your life. When you go to meet your patients with a “happy heart, peaceful mind, and playful spirit,” you will automatically convey and entrain that state to them, and at the same time, your work becomes more exciting and rewarding. A total win-win.
Rapport and effective communication enable better relationships with patients and improved information gathering, while educating and motivating them and fostering realistic expectations. Patients will understand you better and have less anxiety; they will tend to follow your directions, and have better outcomes. On the other hand, failed communications can lead to malpractice suits.
Even more important than the why, Michael tells you how (subtitles are: “What Not to Say . . . and What to Say” and “How to talk to your patients so they will listen and how to listen to your patients so they will talk.”). With Intentional Listening you attend to how your patient uses language, especially his or her sensory (see, hear, feel, smell, taste) language. You then reflect back their language patterns in your responses. Tone and body language are important too, both theirs and yours. Put yourself in your patient’s shoes; understand their concerns, assess how well they understand, and adjust your communication accordingly.
Words can hurt; words can heal. Compare “Learn to live with it” (a life sentence) with “I will do everything that I can to help you” (a reprieve).
The difference between just talking to your patients and effectively communicating with your patients can be the difference between promoting pain and suffering or promoting healing and relief.
Never underestimate the healing powers of a happy heart, peaceful mind, and playful spirit!
This book is brief and to the point (an easy twenty minute read), itself an example of clear and effective communication. Highlighted “Ellner Tips” give additional pointers and examples. In some ways it is too brief: it could benefit, in my opinion, from a few drawn-out scenarios, perhaps dialogs, demonstrating both good and poor communications.
—–
The author, Michael Ellner, MSH, CHT, is a celebrated medical hypnotist, in private practice in New York City. He teaches and lectures worldwide and is a featured instructor of Hypnotic Pain Relief at the annual PAINWeek conference in Las Vegas.
—–
For a limited time you may order this book as a pre-publication downloadable PDF for $9.99, at http://quantumfocusing.com/Click_Self-Hypnosis_eBooks.html. Scroll down to Professional section #4.
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What is stress, anyway?
Stress seems to seethe all around us – you read about it in the newspapers and magazines, hear about it on the TV, google about it on the Web. There appears to be a consensus out there: Stress is hazardous to your health and well-being.
Stress is seldom defined. They tell you to avoid it, that you need to “de-stress” your life, but only rarely does anyone tell you just how to do that. So you worry – you even stress about having stress – rather than doing something about it. For after all – what in the world can you do?
Actually, the word “stress” is used in two senses; we need to distinguish between them, in order to make any sense at all. First, stress means a physiological reaction in the body: the adrenal glands put out cortisol and adrenaline, the heart speeds up, the breath comes faster. You might have an uncomfortable, “pressured” feeling (actually, this is dis-stress – see below).
The second meaning of stress is an outside situation or event that evokes this stress reaction. I will call this a stressor and reserve the word stress for the physiological reaction
The making, and unmaking, of a stressor
Like beauty, a stressor is often in the eye (or the mind) of the beholder, stressing me out but not you. There are lots of reasons for this: individual temperament and history, the different associations you or I make or don’t make, the different meanings we make of various external happenings and situations.
It is important to realize that you can change a stressor into something else, by changing you outlook, or reframing. A noisy environment, for example, may feel stressful, but you may learn to ignore it, to tune it out – one less stressor. Or you might fret at having to do an unfamiliar task, until you realize it’s a great opportunity to learn something new.
Stress is neutral
Although most of our take on stress is that it is a bad thing, actually in itself it is neither good nor bad. The notion that all stress is bad is a misconception: there is good stress as well as bad stress.
The positive kind of stress is known as eustress[2]. Eustress includes excitement, positive anticipation, challenging tasks, determination. Negative stress, which most of us think of as just “stress”, is called distress.
It is interesting to notice that the physical symptoms are the same, though the mental experiences are very different. It is our reactions to each potential stressor that determine whether it is stressful in the first place (it might be just neutral), and if so, whether it is dis-stressing or positive. Sometimes you can control how you react and therefore whether you have a positive or a negative experience. Say, for instance, you meet someone you don’t know, in a social situation. This could feel [dis-]stressful to you (as it does to some people). If you change your frame of mind, however, thinking to yourself, “Here is my chance to find out about a possibly interesting, fascinating new person” you may find yourself intrigued and excited by the encounter – eustress.
Changing stressors into non-stressors
The lesson here is that you can learn to control your internal reactions to external situations and events, to make conscious choices rather than reacting from habit, from old associations that you made somewhere in the past. Notice what mental associations you unconsciously make, then make better mental connections between what used to be stressors and new, positive outcomes.
- If someone is pushing your buttons, disarm or re-program those triggers (see “Meeting the Hypnotist Within”, Chapter 4 in How to Get Unstuck[3]).
- Does a criticism upset you, or do you [truly] welcome it as a possible resource for self–improvement?
- When you have too much on your plate 1) make a to-do list; 2) prioritize; 3) find ways to get help, if you can.
- Learn to live in the present, neither worrying about the future (see “Conquering Anxiety”, Chapter 12, in How to Get Unstuck[4]) nor dwelling on the past.
- Reframe what used to be stressful situations.
- Stressed while driving? See http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/articles/mellowfortheroad.html.
- Late and stuck in traffic? See http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/articles/mellowfortheroadii.html.
- Plan, to avoid stressors. If being late stresses you out, plan so that you leave earlier. If you are in a stressful relationship, change it or consider getting out of it.
- Convert dis-stress (negative stress) into eu-stress (positive stress). Instead of feeling pressured, sense excitement. Instead of being anxious or afraid, feel peace and serenity. Let yourself feel challenged instead of threatened.
We cannot avoid all stress
Sometimes things do happen beyond your control: disappointments, disasters, deaths, divorces, getting laid off. Change can be stressor, causing stress reactions in your body: heart, cancer, diabetes, immune system, etc. Getting out of a stressful situation may not be an option – you need that job, even though it is stressful; your parents are your parents, and always will be.
Taking control over your stress is vital to living both long and well. Everyone can be healthier, by learning to control their body’s stress responses[5]. De-stressing [the dis-stress] can boost your immune system as well as your heart, your digestive system, and all of your other organs and body-systems.
Quantum Focusing[6]
Quantum Focusing blends self-hypnosis, meditation, spiritual practice, and creative stress management in a modality that is a mental martial art, a program of healing for mind, body, and spirit. In particular, QF
- helps you change your basic responses to stressors; thereby changing what is stressful in your life;
- helps you turn the seeds of tranquility on deep inside you (like when you work with your “Inner Hypnotists”);
- allows you to respond to life’s stressors from a base of inner security and deep-seated confidence;
- teaches you to quickly move into Quantum Focusing enhanced states of consciousness in the here and now;
- helps you to be active instead of reactive;
- puts you in control of yourself; and
- teaches you to replace dis-stress with eu-stress.
End of Distress Exercise
In this exercise, described toward the end of Chapter 5, “Creative Stress Management, Relieving Distress” in Getting Unstuck[7], after taking yourself into “The Zone” you mentally review past events or preview future ones in a way that promotes new, healing outcomes. Practicing this exercise regularly automatically removes negative stress reactions before they occur and helps prepare you to choose your course of action when future events arrive.
[1] Much of this article is based on the material in Chapter 5 of How to Get Unstuck, A Light-Hearted, Self-Hypnosis Workbook, Michael Ellner and Alan Barsky, 2011. You can obtain this book at http://www.quantumfocusing.com.
[2] The term eustress was first used by endocrinologist Hans Selye in 1975. In his article, Selye talked about how persistent stress that is not resolved through coping or adaptation, deemed distress, may lead to anxiety or withdrawal (depression) behavior. In contrast, if the stress involved enhances function (physical or mental, such as through strength training or challenging work) it may be considered eustress. [Wikipedia]
[3] same as [1]
[4] same as [1]
[5] The Relaxation Response, by Herbert Benson
[6] Described in How to Get Unstuck [1] and IBS Relief: Relieve Symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by Michael Ellner and Alan Barsky
[7] same as [1]
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I have scheduled several ”drop-in” events this month (May, 2011) so that I can interact with people in the community who have questions or are curious about hypnosis and NLP.
The idea was suggested by Wendi Friesen when we ate lunch a couple months ago in Boulder, CO (see previous blog entry) — this is something she used to do several years ago when she was seeing individual clients in her practice (she told me she still does, occasionally, but her business now is mostly producing and selling high-quality hypnosis, hypnotherapy, and NLP recordings to help people with a variety of issues. See http://www.wendi.com.)
The dates and times I have set up so far are:
Tuesday, May 10, at 1 PM, at the Bethesda Library, 7400 Arlington Road, Bethesda, MD
Tuesday, May 17, at 2 PM at the Silver Spring Library, 8901 Colesville Road, Silver Spring, MD
Tuesday, May 24, at 1 PM at the Bethesda Library, 7400 Arlington Road, Bethesda, MD
I am also planning to set up another one for an evening, probably in Silver Spring on May 31.
If you are in the area and free during one of these times, I hope you will drop in. We will discuss your questions and I may do short demonstrations or group trances.
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[First published in http://www.mynewsletterbuilder.com/email/newsletter/1410787617]
I parked my rental car in front of the Dushanbe Tea House, my first stop on the way home from a wonderful weekend assisting at a Core Transformation (http://www.coretransformation.org/) training in Boulder, Colorado. It was a beautiful, sunny Monday, the last day of February, with only a slight chill in the air. Since I was a half-hour early, I took a little walk, though Central Park and past the bandstand, towards the gleaming mountains that seemed almost close enough to touch, then right on Broadway, exploring around the block (but as Wendi told me later, I missed the fabulous Pearl Street Mall, only a block further north).
The Tea House (http://www.boulderteahouse.com) is a gift from the city of Dushanbe, Tajikistan, Boulder’s sister city in Central Asia (next time I am in Dushanbe, remind me to check out Boulder’s return gift). When I got back there I was still fifteen minutes early; I went inside, glanced around to make sure I was first, and was seated at a table where I could see the door. At the table next to me a young mother was trying to keep track of the items her youngest child was throwing from his high chair onto the floor. The baby turned around and smiled at me, as his slightly older sister proudly introduced herself.
I was sure I would recognize Wendi when she came in, and I did; she smiled at my wave, walked briskly over and sat down. She looked trim and fit, wearing black slacks, a silvery top, and a small jacket. I half expected her to say, in her low hypnotic voice, “Hello, I’m Wendi Friesen,” as she does at the beginning of her recordings (establishing rapport from the jump). But of course that was unnecessary – we knew one another, though this was the first time we had met in person.
My acquaintance with Wendi goes back to late 2006, my first contact (well, almost my first) with hypnosis and hypnotherapy, when I stumbled upon her website (http://www.wendi.com) and downloaded some introductory recordings (see http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/articles/howigotintohypnosisi.html for the full story). A couple years later, after I had become a hypnotherapist myself, we exchanged several emails around working with addictions and some other topics, and more recently, followed each other on Twitter.
I had known that she had moved recently from living on the beach in Southern California to the foot of the Rockies in Boulder. As I was making my travel plans, I realized I would have several hours that Monday before I had to get to the airport, so I decided to see if, by any chance, Wendi would meet me for breakfast or lunch. Famous people are not always that easy to contact – I finally found an avenue in Twitter and she graciously agreed.
We ordered (salads, both of us) and she listened intently as I told her the story of how it was through her site and her recordings that I stopped cracking my knuckles and set out on my path to become a hypnotherapist. She told me about her current project to make scripts and recordings, by herself and others, available cost-free to military veterans suffering from PTSD.
Let me tell you, this lady is the real deal! Yes, she is a brilliant marketer, at a rate of several million per year from her site, TV, radio, and appearances – and there is real substance and depth to her as well. She rarely sees individual clients now, but for many years she did, developing her skills, her insight, and her voice to high levels of mastery. And beyond that she is bold – she does her research, develops her approach, her methods, and her scripts, but then she puts it out there: she does not wait for it to be the best ever, for perfection, for anyone else’s seal of approval; she just does it.
We talked about her upcoming vacation trip – by herself with no staff – to . . . oh, I can’t tell you just yet – she is running a “Where in the World is Wendi?” contest, which I am not going to give away. But I can tell you it involves elephants.
I told her about what I do, about Quantum Focusing (http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/quantumfocusing.html) and Core Transformation (http://www.hypnosissilverspring.com/articles/coretransformation.html). I asked her for some advice, on building my practice, in becoming better at what I do. “I used to hold weekly ‘open houses’,” she told me. “I would rent a room in the library, put out flyers, and people would come. There was no charge; I always did things that would be interesting – informal talks about hypnosis and hypnotherapy, short demonstrations, that kind of thing. Many of the ones who attended became clients.” “How much do you charge?” she asked me, and I told her. “Really, you should think about charging more,” she told me. “You do wonderful things with people – they expect to compensate you well. If you don’t ask enough, they will wonder about you.” She has used radio advertising successfully, on a national scale. Not appropriate for me, perhaps – her business is her website, offering hundreds of recordings for purchase on CD or download, whereas mine is hypnotherapy for individual clients – but it is something to think about.
After a delightful hour-and-a-half it was time for me to leave for the Denver airport. But first I posed with her for a couple cell phone photos. We hugged, and as I walked to my car I saw Wendi putting on her helmet and getting on her bicycle to ride to whatever was next.
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